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Wear rose coloured glasses (DW#548)

Have you noticed how blind some people seem to be to their spouses’ obvious flaws? They seem to be wearing rose coloured glasses and keep making excuses for their spouses’ shortcomings. They can be quite annoying at times; don’t you think?

Well, it turns out that people like that have hit upon a very important secret for having happy relationships. Couples in happy relationships have mastered the art of positive interpretations. When their spouse does something annoying or causes offence in some way, they attribute it to temporary circumstances which are external and not a part of their spouse’s core character. 

So, for example, if they are late, instead of going on about how they are always late and making it mean something big, they will give their spouse the benefit of the doubt. Something must have come up, they have been preoccupied or busy at work, they do try but struggle with keeping time etc. etc. 

If the bank account is overdrawn,...

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Show enthusiasm for their field of expertise (DW#547)

What is your spouse most enthusiastic about? What is their hobby, passion or favourite pastime? 

Chances are that they know a lot about what interests them. They love learning about it and can talk about it for hours. 

How about learning a little of what interests them from them? 
Allowing someone to share what excites them is an easy way to build positive communication and strengthen your relationship. 

Plus, it gives you a chance to see them at their most animated and enthusiastic!


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Yield to win (DW#546)

Today’s marriage hack is especially important for husbands (did you think that I would only focus on the wives?!).

A disclaimer: to be honest, this is not really a hack – in that it is not a simple and quirky thing that you can do – but it is really really important.

Dr. Gottman believes that one of the keys to a successful marriage is the emotional intelligence of husbands. How does this emotional intelligence show up in marriage? It is when men accept their wives’ influence in small and big matters.

In a long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, Dr. Gottman and his colleagues discovered that men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce. Women, it seems, are better at accepting influence and yielding to advice than men and even in unhappy relationships, women are already doing this. In unhappy marriages, Gottman found that men tend to withdraw from conflict, stonewall their spouses and...

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Apply the stranger standard (DW#541)

This week, let’s continue talking about marriage hacks – shortcuts or easy ways to make our relationships better. Attitudes and behaviours that don’t take much time or effort but may have a major impact. 

Today’s hack is about applying the stranger standard at home. 

What is the stranger standard? It is the standard of behaviour that we use with strangers and outsiders. The minimum level of courtesy, respect and goodwill with which we deal with the world in general. 

Sometimes we take our closest relationships so much for granted that we "use up" our best self for strangers, acquaintances and others who don’t really matter that much. We are able to be respectful and kind to those who we come across for short periods. We use up our good will and bring home only what is left over. The tiredness, the grouchiness and the frustrations. 

The stranger standard hack means that you are at least as respectful and courteous inside...

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A list of what you love (DW#539)

The first two marriage hacks we will explore consist of making lists. 
Today’s list is all about what you love about your spouse. 

Your list can include qualities and characteristics that you love and admire in your spouse. It can also include all of the moments in your relationship that confirmed for you that you wanted to be married to this person. It can include funny things and sad things and all the happy memories that you have, even if they are really really tiny. 
This is your list so feel free to put anything on there that is meaningful to you even if they would sound silly or meaningless to someone else. These are reminders for you of why you chose this person and why you want to keep choosing this person.

The way you met and got together. What about them or their personality first attracted you?
How they supported you in challenging times
The way they looked at you at a particular time
How they reacted at the birth of your first baby
A small kindness that they...

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Here’s how to hack your marriage (DW#538)

Do you know what a "hack" is? 

The way it is currently used, it means an easy solution or a work-around to a potentially challenging situation. A shortcut. It is a way to do or to improve something without too much effort. The term was initially used in technology to find quicker solutions with less steps instead of longer procedures to do particular things on computers. Popular culture adapted this term for all kinds of workarounds or shortcuts calling them "life hacks" or just "hacks". 

A more enlightened way to look at such solutions is to call them wise effort. Getting the most value for your time and effort. Doings small things that get big results. Kind of what Daily Wisdom is all about. 

So, over the next few days, let’s discuss some "marriage hacks" – simple (and sometimes quirky) ways to improve your marriage – rituals and practices that take only a short amount of time and effort but have potentially significant results. 

Before we...

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Act in loving way to feel the feeling of Love (DW#477)

In long term relationships, it is common that the feelings of love come and go. So relying on feelings of "being in love" at any given moment as a guide to the health or vitality of a relationship is problematic at best.

Even if we care deeply about our spouses, it does not mean that we will always feel positively towards them. It is quite normal to have negative feelings like irritation, anger, hurt and doubt from time to time. The problem lies not in these feelings but in the fact that we may take it to mean that we have "fallen out of love" with this person. When we start thinking like this, we stop doing loving actions and our relationship gets stuck in a downward spiral.

Because feelings change over time, going up and down from time to time, feelings by themselves are NOT a good indicator of relationship health at any given time.

What if we start thinking of the absence of loving feelings as a sign that we need to start doing more loving actions? That we need to act in a loving...

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Boost your happiness by doing random acts of kindness for your spouse (DW#476)

In long term relationships, we sometimes begin to take our spouses for granted and stop doing those little acts of kindness that we did when we first fell in love. And of course, we seldom make the connection that our relationship is not as happy as it was or could be.

Research that was done about a year ago and published in the journal Emotion, shows that doing something nice for your spouse can boost your emotional well-being —even if he or she isn’t aware of your good deed.

The researchers in the study set out to test the Dalai Lama’s theory that compassionate concern for another’s welfare enhances one’s own happiness.

 

For the study, 175 couples were asked to record the thoughtful acts, kindness and tenderness that they expressed to their spouse and also record their own daily emotional state during this period.

The researchers found that couples benefitted the most when their acts of kindness were recognized and...

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What can actors teach us about love? (DW#475)

Have you ever wondered why actors/actresses who play the role of a couple in movies often end up falling in love with each other? Well, of course they are usually young, attractive and spend a lot of time with each other – all of which are predictors of selecting a mate.

There is, however, one more thing: They have to act like people who love each other deeply. They lovingly gaze at each other, touch each other, flirt and generally do things that people in love do. With all of these loving actions, it is not surprising that the feeling of loveoften follows.

What can we learn from this? That if you act like lovers on a set with your significant other, it is quite likely that you can kindle or rekindle the feelings of love.

You don’t even need to spend hours with a makeup specialist. Try it!
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I love you (DW#444)

Have you ever heard new couples talk on the phone? They often end long phone conversations by saying "I love you" (and then "I love you more  . . ." and on and on . . .) As the relationship progresses, the "I love you" can turn into "Ok, bye", especially if there the relationship is strained or there is unaddressed conflict. 
Expressing love verbally is equally, if not more important, in long term relationships. 

Even if it is a ritual which you engage in without thinking, it is worth considering getting into the habit of saying "I love you" regularly. 
Recent research suggests that saying these three simple words is more than simply expressing your romantic feelings. It actually represents a commitment to future behavior. This implies that when we say I love you, we are not only expressing our present feelings, but we are committing that our actions in their presence and when apart will demonstrate this commitment. 

Saying I love you, then, is a...

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