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Fear of vulnerability to emotion(DW# 767)

relationships self development Jun 02, 2020

Apologizing to someone can make us feel emotionally vulnerable, raw and exposed. By apologizing, we open ourselves to bearing witness to someone else’s pain and confronting the possibility that we may be the cause of that distress.

Here is how Guy Winch Ph.D. explains the psychology of non-apologizers in Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts:

By refusing to apologize, non-apologists are trying to manage their emotions. They are often comfortable with anger, irritability, and emotional distance, and experience emotional closeness and vulnerability to be extremely threatening. They fear that lowering their guard even slightly will make their psychological defenses crumble and open the floodgates to a well of sadness and despair that will pour out of them, leaving them powerless to stop it.

He goes on to explain that it is true that allowing yourself to witness someone’s pain and to apologize makes us...

The fear of the unknown(DW# 766)

relationships self development Jun 01, 2020

Let’s continue with our exploration of the challenges and barriers to accepting responsibility for our actions.

The truth is that when we apologize for what we did wrong, we do not know how it will be received.

And this fear of the unknown may keep us from accepting fault and making amends.

We may fear that our attempts at repair will be rejected.

The prospect of getting a cold shoulder, of not being forgiven or losing a relationship can understandably be unsettling, especially when it comes from someone we still love, care about and want to maintain a relationship with.

We may also be concerned that apologizing will open the floodgates to further accusations and conflict.

The logic behind this kind of thinking is that once we admit to one or more actions of wrongdoing, surely the other person will pounce on the opportunity to pile on all the previous offences which hurt them and are not yet forgiven. We fear that once we admit to doing anything wrong, it will forever be...

The difference between guilt and shame(DW# 765)

guilt and shame relationships self development May 29, 2020

When we are talking about the conscience and how it guides us towards wise action through remorse, it is helpful to distinguish between guilt and shame.

When we do something wrong, we feel guilty. It is normal and healthy to feel guilt and remorse when we do things that hurt other people or ourselves. This guilt is our internal moral compass that alerts us when we move away from our values and from our sense of right and wrong.

Healthy guilt allows us to see that we can change our behaviours and make amends. And it gives us the motivation to do so. And when we act in accordance with our guilt to make amends, we feel much better about ourselves.

Shame, on the other hand, is different.

While guilt makes us feel bad about our actions, shame makes us feel about ourselves—about who we are. Unlike guilt, shame may not go away when we take actions to repair the hurt that we have caused. And the fear of feeling shame makes us very reluctant to own up to our mistakes and...

Self protection(DW# 764)

relationships self development wellbeing May 28, 2020

Continuing with our exploration on why it is so challenging to apologize when we have hurt someone, today let’s talk about self protection.

As human beings, we are designed to protect ourselves and this includes protecting our sense of self, our ego from feeling badly. We are hard wired to defend ourselves from outside threats, as well as from thoughts and beliefs that lead to a threat to our sense of ourselves as good people.

This is why we do not like to admit that we are wrong. When we admit that we are wrong or have made a mistake, our conscience makes us feel remorse which is an uncomfortable feeling.

Of course, we need to remember that our conscience has been designed for precisely this purpose: to make us feel remorse when we fail to live up to our highest values. It is our moral compass. It is what helps us realign ourselves and our actions to our enlightened self-interest and live as humans in the full sense of the word. It is also what ensures that...

Reminding ourselves of the options(DW#745 )

communication feelings self compassion self development Apr 24, 2020

Some of us need to reminded that even as parents and adults, we do not have to always be in the giving position. That it may be harder to ask for help than to offer it AND if we challenge ourselves to learn to ask for help, we will be doing ourselves and those in relationship to us, a big favour!

So here are some ways to remind ourselves of this:

I can share my needs with trusted people.

I can ask for help or advice.

I am not alone, even if it sometimes feels like I am.

I do not have to do it all by myself.

I don’t have to make my life harder than it is at the moment.

Contrary to what my thoughts lead me to believe sometimes, it is not reasonable to expect that people "should" know what I need.

I can ask to be listened to.

I can ask for a night off from chores. Or a whole day!

I can let others know that I need privacy or space.

I can let others know that I am hurt or upset.

I can share what is really going on for me.
It is okay for me to feel overwhelmed at...

Check in with yourself (DW#731)

productivity relationship self development Apr 06, 2020

So how are YOU doing this morning? No, really. How are you doing? (Clearly I am feeling distracted ;) )

The world has changed almost overnight and we were not prepared for it. Just as the world changed forever after 9/11, we have hit another transition point in history. One that is likely to change our consciousness for ever.

It is no wonder that many of us are going through strong and changing emotions at this time. Many of us are feeling anxious, sleepless, fearful, angry and sad. We are having trouble focusing and staying on task. We may be experiencing forgetfulness, loss of motivation and intense grief that comes in waves.

All of these are predictable responses to a highly unpredictable situation.

For now, let us focus on simply noticing which emotions are showing up and practice accepting them rather than pushing them away or escaping them. Practices such as these have good scientific evidence that they work. They have been consistently linked to good...

Recognize and act within your circle of control (DW#727 )

growing mindfulness pandemic productivity resilience self development Mar 31, 2020

One of the most important things we can do to cultivate resilience is to recognize our sense of agency.

Agency is simply a fancy word for how empowered you feel or how much control or power you feel over your own life. This is where your energy and strength come from.

The truth is that there are many many things outside our control. There always have been and always will be. The present world situation has simply brought these into sharp focus.

And the truth is also that some things always were and still remain with our control. (Can you see that?)

Now, when we focus our attention to things that are outside our control, we give up our sense of agency. We feel powerless and therefore hopeless.

The way out of this feeling of helplessness and the panic that ensues is to become more mindful of where we are focusing our attention.

Is it focused on things that are outside our control or those that we have control or power over?

When going...

Simple tools for growing resilience (DW#726)

growing mindfulness productivity resilience self development Mar 30, 2020

We will begin a series titled Simple Tools for Growing Resilience and I hope that these simple reminders and practices will inspire us and motivate us to keep going, focus on what we can control, rise up to the challenges and keep doing our best.

Let us first define what we mean by resilience:

Resilience is the ability to face adversity, to go through challenges without being overwhelmed by them. It is defined as the the capacity to manage challenge and to recover from adversity.

Simply put, it is the ability to face adversity and to "bounce back" after we have been knocked down by life.

In other words, resilience helps us:

1) Face challenges without being overwhelmed by them AND
2) If we are overwhelmed or ‘knocked down’, it helps us get back on our feet quickly.

Resilience, then, helps us survive the worst day of our life AND it also helps us thrive every day of our life.

...

I’m going on a sabbatical and you...(DW#725)

mindfulness productivity self development Jan 03, 2020

As we mentioned yesterday, a sabbatical is different from a vacation. It is a longer period away from work (anywhere from a month to a year or more) to step away from your regular job and focus on other meaningful activities.

Taking sabbaticals does require intentionality, some adjustment in your thinking, and of course planning and financial resources to see you through your time off.

The benefits of taking sabbaticals are really worth the effort, though.

Taking time off to switch gears, do some long range thinking, learn something new, or pursue other interests can rejuvenate you, not only personally, but also give your career a boost because you return with renewed energy and motivation. People who are about to take a sabbatical often find that they work harder and more effectively, knowing that a sabbatical is just around the corner.

I am going on sabbatical from Daily Wisdom until February to work on other projects and discover ways to serve you...

Five reasons to take a sabbatical (DW#724)

mindfulness productivity self development Jan 02, 2020

We have been talking about the importance of taking time off for rest and relaxation as a part of our self care practice. Today let’s discuss another kind of time off which has a different but equally valuable purpose.

I am talking about a sabbatical. A sabbatical is an extended period of leave from your regular job or employment, the purpose of which is often travel, self growth or learning. While it is common in academia for professors to take a sabbatical in order to focus on their own learning, it is a concept which is gaining more acceptance even in the corporate world.

Here are 6 ways you can use a sabbatical from work:

1) Learn a new skill or explore a new subject. If you have always wished you could deepen your expertise in your field, learn something new, or you are curious about a particular subject, a sabbatical is the perfect time to do this.
2) Do some long range thinking. When we are in the midst of work,...

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