Avoid secret conversations (DW#413)

Sura Nisa: There is no good in most of their secret talks except in he who enjoins charity, or goodness, or reconciliation between people. [Quran 4:114]

During the time of the Holy Prophet (saw), his enemies would gather in small groups, whisper amongst themselves and plot against him. In this verse, the Quran cautions against having secret conversations amongst people while leaving others out, except if it to do charity or advise towards kind deeds or to make amends between people.

This verse about social etiquette has deep psychological wisdom. It refers to when two or more people gather to talk secretly excluding others. In another place in the Quran, najwa or a secret conversation is referred to as an act of Shaytan (Quran 58:10) as it is often done with ill intentions, either to plot evil, to form inappropriate relationships or to deceive someone. A conversation that is well intentioned on the other hand, generally does not require the covering of secrecy. 

Psychologists explain that being left out is deeply distressing for human beings because we are acutely sensitive to social rejection and ostracism. Our emotional hard wiring quickly detects attempts to exclude or deceive as it undermines some of our fundamental human needs: the need for belonging and connection to others, self-esteem, the need for a sense of control and effectiveness, and the need for a system of fairness and accountability. 

When human beings feel left out of the loop or recognize that information from a friend, co-worker or family member is being withheld from them, they immediately (often unconsciously) interpret it as a subtle sign of rejection.  This in turn, breeds distrust and insecurity and makes emotional connection or intimacy almost impossible. People who thus feel excluded will often react by distancing themselves as a way of self-protection from further rejection. 

Studies show that even at a workplace, when employees suspect that management is withholding key information from them or intentionally keeping them out of the loop, they report trusting and liking their bosses and colleagues less, feeling less loyalty to the company, and feeling less motivated to perform.

The challenge is that these days we can be having such secret conversations on our phones in the presence of friends and family. Given the psychological toll of feeling left out, maybe we need to rethink how and when we are communicating with others while those closest to us may be feeling left out of the loop. 

To build relationships of trust and intimacy with friends and family, we need to be open and inclusive and careful that we do not intentionally or unintentionally exclude them from our conversations or leave them feeling ‘out of the loop’.