Blog

Goals versus systems(DW# 841)

Here is your daily dose of Wisdom for Living Your Best Self!Benjamin Franklin set up a system whereby he continued to work on his endeavour of achieving moral perfection.

The way his project was set up reminded me of what Scott Adams says in How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big.

How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big is a great book with lots of wisdom which we shall perhaps explore at another time.

For today, I want to focus on what he says about setting up systems rather than focusing on goals:

"You could word-glue goals and systems together if you chose. All I’m suggesting is that thinking of goals and systems as different concepts has power. Goal-oriented people exist in a state of continuous presuccess failure at best, and permanent failure at worst if things never work out. Systems people succeed every time they apply their systems, in the sense that they did what they intended to do. The goals people are fighting the feeling of...

Continue Reading...

Learning to love the journey(DW #810)

Self-growth, as we have been saying, is a journey rather than a destination. This means that we will never actually reach our highest potential.
 
It makes sense then, to start enjoying the journey rather than focus only on the destination.
 
The journey, of course, is not always comfortable.
 
In fact, our highest or infinite potential exists right OUTSIDE of our comfort zone - in the middle of our DISCOMFORT ZONE. Rather inconvenient!!
 
However, once we have made peace with this fact, we can stop wasting precious energy in wanting to get rid of the discomfort. And get comfortable in the discomfort zone.
 
The good news, though, is that we are programmed to only feel a deep, true sense of happiness, meaning and flourishing when we are striving on the journey and in the discomfort zone.  
Continue Reading...

Getting help(DW# 794)

feelings opinion selfgrowth Jul 09, 2020
Please know this: no matter what, the journey of healing from abuse can be long and challenging. AND there are some things that you can do to make it easier on yourself.
 
Please consider getting professional help if at all possible. On your own if you have to. Do not hold back because the person who "needs help" refuses to get it. There is a saying amongst the therapeutic community that people often seek out support in order to deal with people who refuse to! This saying is very relevant to a situation where you have been the victim of emotional abuse.
 
Victims of abuse often lose confidence in their own thoughts and feelings and find themselves nervously double-checking themselves on a regular basis. It can feel isolating and shameful. You may find it hard to share what you have been through even with close friends because you may begin to think that you should have known better. Or you may want to stay in the relationship while everyone you share your story with...
Continue Reading...

Reminding ourselves of the options(DW#745 )

Some of us need to reminded that even as parents and adults, we do not have to always be in the giving position. That it may be harder to ask for help than to offer it AND if we challenge ourselves to learn to ask for help, we will be doing ourselves and those in relationship to us, a big favour!

So here are some ways to remind ourselves of this:
 
I can share my needs with trusted people.
I can ask for help or advice.
I am not alone, even if it sometimes feels like I am.
I do not have to do it all by myself.
I don’t have to make my life harder than it is at the moment.
 
Contrary to what my thoughts lead me to believe sometimes, it is not reasonable to expect that people "should" know what I need.
 
I can ask to be listened to.
I can ask for a night off from chores. Or a whole day!
I can let others know that I need privacy or space.
I can let others know that I am hurt or upset.
I can share what is really going on for me.
It is okay for me to feel overwhelmed at...
Continue Reading...

Check your understanding(DW#741)

Here is another thing about trying to understand someone’s inner world: You will get it wrong. Quite often in fact.

As we develop our validation skills, we may get the emotion, the experience or the meaning behind it wrong.

This makes sense, because after all, we are trying to get a glimpse of someone else’s experience from our world view. Our lens and their lens are not the same. Our experience is not the same as their experience. We are trying to visit a foreign land and we may struggle to understand the language and the customs.

So, when you are trying to validate and get it wrong, remind yourself that it this is common and that you are learning. Your continuing effort to do this is the most important thing for your relationship.

To clarify your understanding of your loved one’s internal world, try some open-ended questions such as:

Can I ask some questions to help me get this?
I need your help to understand this better.
Is this a good time to talk?
Tell me...
Continue Reading...

Examples of validation (DW#740)

We have been talking about demonstrating our care and understanding of our loved ones by validating their emotions and experiences.

There are, of course, many many ways to validate. The essence of validation is to demonstrate that you recognize their emotions and that given their experience and world view, it makes sense that they would feel that way.

Here are some examples:

Here is what I am hearing you say (summarize what the other person has told you).

I can see that you are (sad, scared, angry, etc.)
I can see you are doing your best and are working hard.
Yeah, I can totally see how that would make you feel really (sad, scared, angry, etc.)
It makes sense that you would be so upset about that.
Tell me more (shows interest).
I can see you are overwhelmed. Can we talk about it?
It sounds like you are scared and this is hard for you.
I can see that this is important to you.
Given your values, this must really mean a lot to you.
Of course… that makes...
Continue Reading...

What to do instead of trying to cheer people up(DW#739)

Yesterday, we discussed how trying to get people to look on the bright side rarely works to cheer them up.

So what should we do instead?

Try validation.

Very briefly, human beings desire to connect. We communicate because we crave connection. And that connection comes from being heard, understood, and appreciated.

 
Validation is the art of communicating the understanding and appreciation of another human being. The message of validation is: you matter to me. You make sense. You are important.

Validation is one of the most important relationship skills and one that few of us are naturally proficient at. We need to be intentional in developing it. This is the hard work of being in relationship but the rewards in terms of connection and intimacy are SO worth it.

Effective validation has two main components:

 
 1.    It identifies a specific emotion
2.    It offers justification for feeling that emotion – this is...
Continue Reading...

Are you trying to get loved ones to look on the bright side?(DW#738 )

We have been talking about checking in with family members.

What do we do though, if they share that they are struggling or not feeling great emotionally?

How do we make them feel better? How do we cheer them up?

Have you tried any of the following?

·      You’ll be fine.

·      Let’s focus on gratitude.

·      It could be worse!

·      We have it better than so many people.

·      At least it’s not [fill in the blank].

·      Look on the bright side

·      Just put a smile on your face and tough it out.

·      This too shall pass.

·      Don’t worry; things will work out.

·      You/We shouldn’t feel that way.

...

Continue Reading...

Rose bud and thorn(DW#737)

Here is possibly my favourite way to check in with others.

Ask family members to think of their "rose, bud, and thorn" of the day:

Rose: this is the best thing that happened to them during the day.
Bud: is something they are looking forward to with hope.
Thorn: is the worst thing that happened to them today.

Please remember that the point is not to discuss why they think a particular thing is a rose or a thorn. Please do not discuss how their "thorn" is not so bad or try to get them to see the rose amongst the thorn!

That is NOT the point of this exercise.

The more we are able to validate and listen with understanding and compassion, the more open the others will be to moving beyond their current feelings and emotions.

Continue Reading...

Highs and Lows(DW#736)

Here is another way to keep connected with the internal world of your loved ones and check in with them.

It is call Highs and Lows. It is a great way to spark off dinner conversation about the happenings of the day.

Ask people to think of their "high and low" of the day – this is the best thing that happened to them during the day, and the worst thing that happened to them.

Give everyone a chance to think, then have everyone share with the family.

Once again, it is up to the person whether they want to explain and elaborate on their feelings about what happened, or not.

Conversations like this are very helpful in letting our family know that we can talk about the hard and challenging stuff as well as the happy and positive stuff. That both our successes and our challenges can be discussed and will be met with validation and understanding.

Continue Reading...
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Close

50% Complete

Two Step

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua.