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The five domains of emotional intelligence (DW#456)

In Daniel Goleman's book "Emotional Intelligence", the author explains that there are five main domains of emotional intelligence: Self awareness, emotional regulation, internal motivation, recognizing emotions in others and handling relationships. 

So let’s begin to explore these domains one at a time. 

Self awareness:

This is the foundational basis of emotional intelligence.

Self awareness is the ability to recognize and understand your own emotions. As we mentioned last week, our emotions drive us to act. If we are unaware of our emotions, we will act in ways that don’t make sense to us or to others. Our unrecognized and unprocessed emotions may result in us acting against our own self interest and in ways that hurt other people.

Recognizing our emotions as they are happening also allows us to become aware of of the effect of our moods and behaviours on other people, both at work and at home.

Once we become aware of our emotions, we can begin to recognize the...

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I’d love to get your opinion (DW#442)

There are so many decisions we make on a daily basis: about work, about the household, about our own schedule and about the family. 

While it is not realistic or feasible to seek counsel from our spouses or loved ones on every small decision, there are so many small and not-so-small decisions that impact the whole family. When we can ask our significant others for their input on decisions, it benefits the relationship in many ways: 

1)   It expresses trust in the other: Requesting someone’s thoughts on a matter lets the other person know how important his or her opinions are to you. By singling that person out as your go-to for advice, you’re expressing that you trust his or her judgment. The advice-giver will likely get a confidence boost, feeling like an expert in relationships, career advancement, or whatever else you need help with. 

2)   It is a sign of respect: What we do impacts those who are close to us. If we...

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Please and thank you (DW#439)

When we are amongst those who are closest to us, we sometimes begin to take each other for granted. Words such as ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and other forms of common courtesy that we use with strangers begin to slip away and sometimes disappear altogether.

We sometimes justify this slipping away of common courtesy by saying to ourselves that saying please and thank you should be reserved for favours that go beyond the expected responsibilities towards each other. That we do not need to thank people for ‘doing their job’ especially if they are not doing ‘their job’ up to our expectations.

Here’s the thing: such an attitude is a recipe for relationships going downhill. Even if our family members continue to ‘do their job’, they will be much more likely to do so with happiness and enthusiasm if their efforts are appreciated. As we may have experienced in our own lives, it is challenging to keep showing up as our best...

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I’ll talk to you when you can be rational (DW#427)

As we have discussed before, conflict is normal and even healthy in relationships. It is how we deal with the conflict rather than the absence of conflict that determines if the relationship is fulfilling or not. 

Even though conflict is normal, it can be unpleasant. When we are in the midst of an argument, it can trigger all sorts of strong emotions that make it difficult for us to have productive conversations. 

When we find ourselves triggered, it can be very helpful to take some time for ourselves to calm down so that we can get back to the conversation in a more helpful way. 

The key, though, is to take responsibility for our own emotional state rather than suggest that the other person is "not being rational"

A statement such as "I’ll talk to you when you can be rational" is guaranteed to make matters worse. It is a statement that is likely to inflict emotional injury and make the other person significantly angrier. 

So the...
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Fine whatever (DW#426)

Have you ever felt completely exasperated in your efforts to reach someone? To get them to understand your point of view? 

Ever felt so exasperated that you say: "fine, whatever" as a signal that you are giving up on this argument? As a signal that you are metaphorically throwing up your arms in resignation? 

While it is not realistic to agree on everything or even understand where the other person is coming from, it is important to keep talking about issues that mean something to you (or them). In the absence of continuing communication on important matters, misunderstanding and resentment is likely to grow in the relationship in the place of love and connection. 

In other words, if we say "fine, whatever" enough times we will find ourselves quitting on the whole relationship rather than just the argument at hand.

 

So the next time we feel defeated in an effort to be understood, let us be brave and remind ourselves that if the relationship is important to us, we...
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I’m sorry, but… (DW#424)

Today’s phrase is closely related to yesterdays one which was "You made me do it".

I’m sorry but . . .in this phrase we appear to be taking responsibility and saying sorry. However, the "but" in the apology negates everything that comes before it. The end purpose of such an apology is to effectively promote ourselves as the good guys and to blame someone else as the real responsible party.

Consider these examples:

I’m sorry Mummy yelled, but your behavior was so bad I had to do something to get your attention…

I’m sorry I laughed at you but you were looking kind of ridiculous . . 

I’m sorry I flirted with your best friend but you were ignoring me . .

I’m sorry but aren’t you being a bit too sensitive . . .

I’m sorry I forgot but you should have reminded me . . .

I’m sorry but can you see how the above are not apologies! 
A true apology does not contain the word "but". It is an unconditional apology which does not...

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You always/you never (DW#422)

When we are in the midst of conflict, it seems that the other person is consistently annoying – they are always late – they never keep their word – they are always grumpy – they never pick up after themselves – they never listen to us – they always have the last say etc etc etc. 

By sharing the ways that they always or never do certain things, we are trying to build a solid case of how we are being let down. 

The problem with using generalizations like always and never is that they are seldom accurate. People are just not that consistent. There will always be times when they are not what we are accusing them of. 

Moreover, the minute they hear always or never in an accusatory tone, their mind becomes super busy trying to find exceptions to our case against them. Once they find even a single exception (and they generally do!), they will do their best to prove us wrong, our case is destroyed and we have lost the...

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Continue reaching out to loved ones (DW#420)

5. Maintaining Family Relationships
The month of Ramadan finds many of us trying to reach out to family, by an invitation for iftar or sending food and gifts. As the nights of Qadr approach, we are reminded about making amends with those members of our family whom we have issues with.

Through prayer and supplication, our hearts become soft, through closeness to Him, we begin to recognize the big picture and may be more amenable to forgive and overlook the small grievances that we may have been holding.

While reflecting on the Quran, we are reminded to pardon people, to manage our anger, to repel evil with good and to maintain relationships with our blood relations. We begin to recognize, once again, that He is happy with us if are human connections are in order. We are reminded that the path to Him begins with loving His creation.

Baby steps:
Regularly reach out to long forgotten family members through a phone call, email or text.

Consider inviting family to share meals with you, even if...

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Do what good you can, as soon as you can (DW#399)

"It is they who hasten to every good work and these who are foremost in them."
(Sūratul Mu’minūn, 23:61, Holy Quran)


Have you ever had a intention to do something good (give charity, help someone, reach out to someone going through a tough time, visit a loved one) and thought you would do it later but then never got around to it? 

Research now confirms that the more you delay something, the less likely it is that you will actually do it.

Piers Steele, who won the equivalent of the Nobel Prize in psychology for his work on motivation says that "As the deadline for any task gets pushed further into the future, Delay increases and our motivation to tackle the tasks decreases."

This means that if you have a goal to do something good in the future, no matter how excited we are in the present, it will be hard to sustain this motivation when the goal is in the future. Plus, life, as they say, will certainly get in the way. In other words, the sooner you take action on...
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Mindsets in children (DW#378)

We have been discussing mindsets and how they manifest themselves from a very early age.

Dweck and her colleagues did some research with four year olds. The researchers gave the four year olds a choice between easy and challenging puzzles. Those with growth mindsets chose the more challenging puzzles whilst the toddlers with a fixed mindset chose the easier and therefore safer puzzles. 

According to the researchers’ conclusion, choosing the easy puzzles was an affirmation of their existing ability and the belief that smart children don’t make mistakes. The children with the growth mindset on the other hand, did not want to do the same puzzle over and over again, preferring to learn something new, even if was more challenging and they may not get it right on the first try. 


The researchers therefore concluded that the fixed-mindset children wanted to make sure they succeeded so that they would appear intelligent, whereas the growth-mindset ones wanted to challenge...

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