Do you have good days and bad days? Days when it is easy to live up to your ideal self and other days it is a struggle?
Yes? Me too.
This is normal.
If we remove the idea of perfection from the equation, we will become more comfortable with the idea that doing our best will change from day to day.
There will be days when we have slept well, had a good morning and are easily able to be our best selves. Being patient with our families and able to focus on work and be productive.
And other days, not so much.
We may be tired, hungry, "hangry", have "woken up from the wrong side of the bed", are overwhelmed with work or family dramas. Our best on days like this will not be as stellar as an easy day.
We can still do our best, taking into account everything that is going on in our lives.
This kind of thinking is so freeing. Please try it for yourself.
If you are struggling during the pandemic to be as patient or productive as you would like to be, it will be a great time to practice...
And sometimes, the best support may be to say nothing, offer a hug or simply sit with them and allow them to have their feelings.
One of the things that trips many of us when we are practicing validation is when the other person views things very differently from how we do.
For example, if our spouse gets upset at her co-worker because she is late to work every day, we may struggle to understand why this is such a big deal. It may not matter to us what time our co-workers get to work and we may even empathize with the co-worker because she is a single mother with small children.
It can be very challenging to listen to someone whose world view, thoughts and opinions are different from ours.
When this happens, we need to remind ourselves that listening and trying to understand where the other person does not...
As we develop our validation skills, we may get the emotion, the experience or the meaning behind it wrong.
This makes sense, because after all, we are trying to get a glimpse of someone else’s experience from our world view. Our lens and their lens are not the same. Our experience is not the same as their experience. We are trying to visit a foreign land and we may struggle to understand the language and the customs.
So, when you are trying to validate and get it wrong, remind yourself that it this is common and that you are learning. Your continuing effort to do this is the most important thing for your relationship.
To clarify your understanding of your loved one’s internal world, try some open-ended questions such as:
There are, of course, many many ways to validate. The essence of validation is to demonstrate that you recognize their emotions and that given their experience and world view, it makes sense that they would feel that way.
Here are some examples:
Here is what I am hearing you say (summarize what the other person has told you).
So what should we do instead?
Try validation.
Very briefly, human beings desire to connect. We communicate because we crave connection. And that connection comes from being heard, understood, and appreciated.
Validation is one of the most important relationship skills and one that few of us are naturally proficient at. We need to be intentional in developing it. This is the hard work of being in relationship but the rewards in terms of connection and intimacy are SO worth it.
Effective validation has two main components:
What do we do though, if they share that they are struggling or not feeling great emotionally?
How do we make them feel better? How do we cheer them up?
Have you tried any of the following?
· Let’s focus on gratitude.
· It could be worse!
· We have it better than so many people.
· At least it’s not [fill in the blank].
· Look on the bright side
· Just put a smile on your face and tough it out.
· This too shall pass.
· Don’t worry; things will work out.
· You/We shouldn’t feel that way.
...
Ask family members to think of their "rose, bud, and thorn" of the day:
Please remember that the point is not to discuss why they think a particular thing is a rose or a thorn. Please do not discuss how their "thorn" is not so bad or try to get them to see the rose amongst the thorn!
That is NOT the point of this exercise.
The more we are able to validate and listen with understanding and compassion, the more open the others will be to moving beyond their current feelings and emotions.
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