I’ll talk to you when you can be rational (DW#427)
As we have discussed before, conflict is normal and even healthy in relationships. It is how we deal with the conflict rather than the absence of conflict that determines if the relationship is fulfilling or not.
Even though conflict is normal, it can be unpleasant. When we are in the midst of an argument, it can trigger all sorts of strong emotions that make it difficult for us to have productive conversations.
When we find ourselves triggered, it can be very helpful to take some time for ourselves to calm down so that we can get back to the conversation in a more helpful way.
The key, though, is to take responsibility for our own emotional state rather than suggest that the other person is "not being rational"
A statement such as "I’ll talk to you when you can be rational" is guaranteed to make matters worse. It is a statement that is likely to inflict emotional injury and make the other person significantly angrier.
"I find myself feeling flooded. Let’s take a time out and get back to this conversation when we are calmer".
"This is getting too escalated. It’s that darn cortisol and adrenaline! Let’s take 20 minutes so we can talk respectfully like we want to."
Remember though: if you are the one calling the time out, make sure to get back to the conversation - within one day at most, and sooner if possible.
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