The kinds of walls we need (DW#357)

Yesterday we started exploring the metaphor of building walls around our relationship to keep it secure. Now let’s take this concept a little deeper and discover the different kinds of walls that we need.

Mental walls

Keeping a mental boundary means that we become aware of where our attention is. While our thoughts can wander into danger zones, we need not let them dwell there. If we become masters of our attention, we can protect our relationship by not letting our fantasies run away with our better judgment. A stray thought can be quashed right at the beginning which will prevent repeated thoughts turning into actions. 

Mental boundaries can also involve intentionally thinking positive thoughts about our spouses when we are away from them and reminding ourselves of our commitment, especially when we encounter temptation.

Physical walls

These involve practical ways in which you can avoid slipping. Physical boundaries come in many different forms.

Being alone
Avoiding spending time alone with a person of the opposite sex, including for business lunches and meetings and keeping doors open during business meetings with co-workers are examples of healthy physical boundaries at workplaces (where a significant number of such relationships happen).

Wedding rings and family pictures
Wearing a wedding ring does not stop affairs but it may act as a daily reminder of the promise that you made to yourself and to your spouse of being faithful. It also also reminds you that the choices that you make will impact your spouse and your family in some way and it sends a message to the rest of the world that you are in a committed relationship. 

Similarly, family pictures at the workplace and on the phone are an added line of defense against temptation. They send a clear message that you are "a family person", committed to family and that there is a protective wall around that family. 

Personal accountability
Yet more examples of physical boundaries are to be accountable to our spouse about where and with whom we are, giving our spouse a heads up about strange expenses or odd charges in bank accounts and sharing travel itineraries and hotel reservations when we are traveling. 

While these actions and commitments might seem extreme to some of us, making such information available voluntarily keeps us accountable, overrides the temptation to hide and it nurtures trust within our relationship.