You’re right. (DW#441)
We have been discussing the best words and phrases to say in a close relationship. Last week we explored the importance of speaking up when we disagree with something or see it differently.
Today’s phrase is the other side of the equation. Saying "you’re right" can be very calming and disarming to a loved one who is trying to get a point across. It can be very tempting to go into defensive mode when a spouse or a family member is expressing a complaint. Stubbornly sticking to our point of view in the face of all evidence, however, can be exhausting, emotionally draining and very damaging to the relationship. So if we can just breathe, calm ourselves in the moment and try to see even a grain of truth in what they are trying to express, we will be richly rewarded.
Research by Dr. John Gottman has shown that this is particularly challenging for men and men who are able to accept influence from their wives are much happier and are in happier relationships. Of course, it is equally important for wives to accept influence as well but Dr. Gottman’s research has shown that many wives are already open to influence by their husbands.
One way to begin to accept influence (for both men and women) is to let go of a win-lose mentality in family conflict. If we begin to recognize that a true "win" is that which is a win for the relationship rather than for us at the expense of our loved one, we will be more likely to yield to win.
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