Be abusive (How to ruin a perfectly good relationship)

We have been talking about "How (not) to ruin a perfectly good relationship" this past month. We have covered lots of ground about what builds and destroys relationships.

It is now time to talk about some more serious things that destroy a relationship. These are "the biggies" - the behaviours that you really should stay away from if you want to keep your relationship healthy. They are also those that are harder to recover from without intervention and support.

Please note that the posts this week are of a sensitive nature. Some may be difficult to read, especially if you or someone you know is going through this stuff. And yet, these are very things that we really do need to talk about if we want to strengthen our relationships and transform relationships within our community. I encourage you to read them even if you think that they do not apply to you. Please feel free to share (discretely) with anyone who might benefit.

So today's edition of How to ruin a perfectly good relationship: Be abusive

As we have mentioned previously in this series, physical and emotional safety is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. The home is ideally a place of refuge from violence in the world and in the environment, a place where we can feel safe and be ourselves.

A major way to ruin a relationship (and another person's sense of self) is to be verbally or physically abusive, using power and control, dominance, humiliation, isolation, threats and intimidation to keep another's behaviour in check.

If you are abusive towards your spouse, it will ensure that you live in a continuously volatile home, that your loved ones walk on eggshells around you and that you are a source of stress and anxiety for them rather than a pillar of support and a blessing.

If you are abusive, you will destroy your relationship, traumatize your children (even if you believe they are not witnessing the abuse) and possibly end up in jail. It is a very effective way to destroy not only your own life but also negatively impact the lives of those around you.

From your spouses' perspective, when you lose your temper often and are emotionally or physically violent as a result of it, it will ensure that they cannot focus on building a healthy relationship with you as all their energy is focused on staying alive and out of trouble and keeping you calm.

You may pretend, as abusers often do, that your behaviour is not a choice, as if the victim "made you do it" and that the victim is to blame for your lack of control.

Here's the thing: although your victim walks on egg shells and in fear of upsetting you most of the time, they do not really believe that you are incapable of self control. They see you exhibit self control all the time – in front of those people with whom you cannot get away with it. You don't punch out your boss or the policeman, do you? You control yourself even if they upset and annoy you. If you have had a hard day, you wait to come home and then take it out on those family members whom you think cannot stand up to you and are in fear of you.

Although you can foster fear and intimidation in members of your family, your abusive tactics can never get you what you are really after: love, respect and admiration. Only kindness, gentleness and control over that temper of yours can do that.

You may have been abused yourself and simply do not know how else to relate. You may have the best intentions of not repeating the cycle of abuse and yet find yourself losing your yet again. If you are finding it difficult to control your temper in a relationship and are doing things which are causing fear and harm in your relationship, know that you can turn it around. What will make you truly powerful is to have power over that temper of yours.

You will need help to do this and help is available. Once you make an intention and reach for support, you have started the journey to heal yourself and those around you. Reaching out for help for yourself is the most courageous and loving thing that you can do yourself and your family.

A word of caution about getting help: it is NOT advisable to do couple counseling or therapy while there is active abuse in your relationship. Couples therapy brings up issues that need to be discussed in a safe space and you have been unable to provide that safe space for your spouse. You the abuser need to go for individual counseling and support and possibly anger management training by yourself.

Oh, and please encourage your family to get support for themselves to heal from the scars that you have left on their souls.

Here are some resources that might help:

Any books by Steven Stosny that you can get hold of. He is a leading authority on working with abusive partners and does so from a place of compassion, not judgement. His Compassion Bootcamps are EXCELLENT for those who are serious about mending their ways.

Here are a couple of books by him:

Soar Above: How to Use the Most Profound Part of Your Brain Under Any Kind of Stress by Steven Stosny

Living and Loving after Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment by Steven Stosny

His website Compassion Power explains his model of emotional healing and reconditioning

Other online resources:

Help for abusive partners http://www.thehotline.org/help/for-abusive-partners/

Help Guide for victims of domestic violence
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm