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Say thank you (DW#550)

Yesterday we discussed how happy couples believe that when their spouse does something positive, it is just like them. 

However, this does NOT mean that they take their actions for granted. It means that they do notice the positive things that their spouse does. 

And that they regularly verbally appreciate their spouse for doing these things. 

What is the best way to say thank you? Be specific about what action pleased you and why it meant so much. This does take a little more effort than a simple thank you but it means so much more. 

Let’s consider some examples: 

Thank you for helping me pack yesterday. I was relieved to have your help so that I did not forget anything. 
I really appreciate help with Ahmed’s homework. I tend to get easily frustrated when he does not get it immediately. I love how patient you are in this situation. 
I was so relieved when I went out and saw that the driveway had already been shovelled. I was not looking...

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Think: That’s just like them! (DW#549)

Today’s marriage hack is the flip side of yesterday’s.

Smart couples have a particular way of thinking about their spouses when they do something which is positive or pleasing. 

They believe that this quality is "just like them". That it is permanent and a part of their true character. 

For example:
My wife helped me pack for my trip: that is just like her. Always making sure that I have everything that I need when I am travelling. 
My husband did the math homework with my son yesterday. That is so like him. He is happy to do whatever it takes to help his children succeed at school. 
My husband got up early to shovel the snow this morning. He is always concerned that we have a clear driveway for when we leave for work and school. He really cares about our family’s safety. 
My wife called my family over for Eid just like she does every year. She goes out of her way to make sure that the family gets together and is welcomed into our home. She is...

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Wear rose coloured glasses (DW#548)

Have you noticed how blind some people seem to be to their spouses’ obvious flaws? They seem to be wearing rose coloured glasses and keep making excuses for their spouses’ shortcomings. They can be quite annoying at times; don’t you think?

Well, it turns out that people like that have hit upon a very important secret for having happy relationships. Couples in happy relationships have mastered the art of positive interpretations. When their spouse does something annoying or causes offence in some way, they attribute it to temporary circumstances which are external and not a part of their spouse’s core character. 

So, for example, if they are late, instead of going on about how they are always late and making it mean something big, they will give their spouse the benefit of the doubt. Something must have come up, they have been preoccupied or busy at work, they do try but struggle with keeping time etc. etc. 

If the bank account is overdrawn,...

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Show enthusiasm for their field of expertise (DW#547)

What is your spouse most enthusiastic about? What is their hobby, passion or favourite pastime? 

Chances are that they know a lot about what interests them. They love learning about it and can talk about it for hours. 

How about learning a little of what interests them from them? 
Allowing someone to share what excites them is an easy way to build positive communication and strengthen your relationship. 

Plus, it gives you a chance to see them at their most animated and enthusiastic!


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Act in loving way to feel the feeling of Love (DW#477)

In long term relationships, it is common that the feelings of love come and go. So relying on feelings of "being in love" at any given moment as a guide to the health or vitality of a relationship is problematic at best.

Even if we care deeply about our spouses, it does not mean that we will always feel positively towards them. It is quite normal to have negative feelings like irritation, anger, hurt and doubt from time to time. The problem lies not in these feelings but in the fact that we may take it to mean that we have "fallen out of love" with this person. When we start thinking like this, we stop doing loving actions and our relationship gets stuck in a downward spiral.

Because feelings change over time, going up and down from time to time, feelings by themselves are NOT a good indicator of relationship health at any given time.

What if we start thinking of the absence of loving feelings as a sign that we need to start doing more loving actions? That we need to act in a loving...

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Behaviours not feelings determine how our life turns out (DW#470)

communication emotions Oct 12, 2018

We have been discussing how we can act in our own best interests even if we do not feel like it. 

I love the way Dan Millman puts it: 
"Of course, we don’t love painful feelings like anxiety or depression. We don’t have to love or even like them, but we do have to accept them, as difficult as that can seem at times. Emotions, no matter how painful they are, are not the problem. The problem is dropping out of schoolor work, putting your family or duties of life on hold until such time as you can work out your emotional issues. Would you rather feel depressed while sitting alone in your room trying to figure it all out or feel depressed while getting your house cleaned or your project completed? (You may still feel depressed, but you have a cleaner house.) 

So emotional intelligence does not mean that we do not have strong (and sometimes negative) feelings. The idea is that we can feel strong emotions but still be functional. We can act in our best interests...

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Make it your own (DW#468)

One of the most inspiring and heart warming moments for me is when a reader takes a suggestion and makes it their own. 

A young lady wrote and shared that when she read about the six second pause, she realised that it was the perfect amount of time to remember God and His most beloved ones. 

She said that she will be using the six second pause to say this:
Allah, Mohammed, Ali, Fatima, Hassan and Hussain (May the peace and Blessings of God be on all of them). 

It reminded me that when I am feeling angry, unforgiving and my heart is constricted, I remember the most beautiful names of God to ground myself: 

Ya Rahman, Ya Raheem, Ya Karim, Ya Salaam
O All Compassionate, O All Merciful, O Most Generous and Noble, O the Source of Peace

If we adapt the pause to something that is meaningful for us, we are MUCH more likely to use it. 

So go ahead and develop a mantra of your own. What helps you to calm down and get back on track? Practice using it frequently so that it...

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The 15 best things to say in relationships (DW#447)

Over the last few weeks, we have been talking about words and phrases that build and rebuild relationships. 

Here are the words and phrases again. Let’s memorize and use them as often as possible. Which are the the most challenging for you? 

1)   How was your day? [DW #432]
2)   How can I help? [DW #433]
3)   Tell me more. [DW #434]
4)   I feel [DW #435]
5) I love it when you [DW #436]
6) Do you remember when we . . . [DW #437]
7)   You have my support [DW #438]
8)   Please and thank you [DW #439]
9)   I disagree [DW #440]
10)  You’re right. [DW #441]
11)  I’d love to get your opinion [DW #442]
12)  Did I get that right? [DW #443]
13)  I love you [DW #444]
14)  I’m sorry [DW #445]
15)  What would you like to see happen? [DW #446]

And with that, we have come to the end of this series of Daily...

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What would you like to see happen? (DW#446)

Continuing with our series on the best things to say in relationships, today’s phrase is a question to use when the other person is telling us what they don’t want.

It is so much easier to talk about what we don’t like and what we don’t want, rather than to make a specific request about what we would like. 

I don’t want us to be late
I don’t want you to leave things lying around
I don’t like it when you don’t tell me your plans 
I don’t want to go a beach holiday again this year

Often we don’t even know that we are doing this. So it can be very helpful to be redirected by our loved ones and asked what we would like to see happen or what we want (as opposed to what we don’t want).

So the next time you hear someone complaining about how bad things are, instead of getting annoyed, try gently redirecting them with a question such as "What would you like to see happen?" or "Please tell me what you would like as opposed...

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I'm sorry (DW#445)

No matter what we know and how much we practice we are likely to mess up with our loved ones. Quite often. And this is why today’s phrase is so important. 

Apologizing for causing hurt and pain to our loved ones is an essential skill in relationships. 

There are so many wrong ways to apologize, as we have talked about before. 

Here is what a good apology contains:

1.   An expression of regret

2.   An acknowledgement of responsibility

3.   A declaration of repentance

4.   An offer of repair

5.   A request for forgiveness


Here is an example:
I am so very sorry that I forgot that there was a family gathering at your cousin’s place. I should have put it on the calendar when you first told me about it. I will make sure to put the other family events on there so that this does not happen again. Would you like me to call him and explain what happened? And maybe we can drop in on them this...

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