Blog

Watch your words! (DW#421)

We all want to enjoy great relationships with the people that matter most and others whom we are in regular contact with. Our spouses and our children, our friends and community members, siblings and parents. People at work and in the neighborhood.

Sometimes, though, despite our best intentions, we say things that drive these same people way from us.

For the next few days, let’s explore some phrases and things that we say that can be annoying, that shut down communication, damage intimacy and distance our loved ones.

Today’s phrase is wildly popular on social media and via instant messaging: "just sayin’".

 

Here is how the Urban dictionary defines it:
  • a term coined to be used at the end of something insulting or offensive to take the heat off you when you say it.
  • The punctuation people put at the end of an unsolicited, fact-less assertion to indicate self-satisfaction at having stated something they erroneously believe...
Continue Reading...

Divided you fall (DW#398)

And do not quarrel for then you will lose heart and your power will depart.
(Sūratul Anfāl, No.8, Āyat 46)

When we are part of a team, whether it is a couple, a family, a committee or a team at work, there are bound to be differences in thought and style amongst the team members. Teams that remain strong find ways to appreciate the differences and diversity of thought and approach. They remain focused on the goal rather than get distracted by petty differences.

If on the other hand, for a team that allows differences to turn into quarrels, two things are likely to happen:

  1. The energy is diverted from the task at hand. Instead of working together to achieve their goals, each person or quarrelling segment begins to work on its own, sometimes in opposition to the other team members. The result is a weakening of the morale of the entire team. 

  2. This results in a huge loss of effectiveness of the entire team. A weakening of power. The Quran uses the word ‘rīh’ to...
Continue Reading...

Recognize the power of a good word (DW#397)

In Verses 24-25 of Chapter 14, Sura Ibrahim, the Quran says: A good word is like a good tree, whose root is firm and whose branches are in the sky, yielding its fruit in every season with the permission of its Lord.

Words that are true, kind and wise have immense lasting power. The Quran compares them to a fruit bearing tree which planted once continues to bear fruit season after season.
Similarly, when we speak words to others which are kind and supportive, the impact of such words lasts beyond the time we speak them. Just as hurtful speech continues to hurt long after it has been spoken, kind words can continue to heal, inspire or provide support long after we have said them.
So let us watch our words. Let us aspire to speak only that which will yield fruit for those who are the audience of our speech.
Continue Reading...

Where does family fit in? (DW#388)

After yesterday’s DW went out, some of you asked the question: which domain of life do family relationships fit in? (The domains we mentioned were mental, physical, emotional, social and spiritual relating to our minds, bodies, hearts and souls).

Strictly speaking, family relationships belong in the emotional domain of our life along with our other close relationships. This means that if any of our major relationships are conflicted, we will likely give ourselves a low score in that domain, implying that there is much room for growth in this area.

Family relationships however, are in a somewhat special category because our satisfaction with (or lack of satisfaction with) family life impacts all the other domains: there is loads of research on how a happy or unhappy marriage for example, impacts physical and mental health. So if our close relationships are causing us distress, that is likely to show up as a low score on our mental wellbeing and physical health due to stress.

...

Continue Reading...

the growth mindset approach to conflict (DW#385)

One of the most destructive of all relationship myths is the belief that if it requires work, something is terribly wrong and that any discrepancy of opinions or preferences or the presence of conflict is indicative of character flaws on behalf of one’s partner.
 
Dweck believes that conflicts are part of all good relationships and a growth mindset is not threatened with conflict in the relationship.
 
Dweck found that people with a fixed mindset on the other hand are threatened by conflict. When they talk about their problems, they are likely to assign blame to their partners AND often assume that the fault lies in a character flaw of the other other which is not fixable. Since the fault lies in the personality of the partner, they feel anger and contempt towards them (we have previously discussed how looking down with contempt at a partner is poisons a relationship) and dissatisfied with the entire relationship.

 People with a growth mindset, on the other...

Continue Reading...

How does the young person in your life respond to feedback? (DW#379)

While doing research with children, Dweck and her colleagues found that mindset predicted how a child would respond to feedback and correction.

Children displaying a fixed mindset only paid attention to feedback that reflected directly on their present ability. For example, they paid attention and lit up when they were told how smart they were. 

On the other hand, they tuned out or ignored information that would help them learn and improve. The research showed that children with a fixed-mindset showed no interest in learning the right answer when they had gotten a question wrong on a test or a quiz, presumably because they had already filed it away in the failure category. 

Those children with a growth mindset on the other hand, were eager to learn and correct their mistakes. They paid keen attention to information that could help them expand their existing knowledge and skill, regardless of whether they’d gotten the question right or wrong. The researchers concluded...

Continue Reading...

Spring is springing. Are you? (DW#372)

I love spring. 

Something changes in the air – at the beginning of spring the change is very subtle, especially in Canada, where the start of spring is often marked by winter resisting the change in season and stubbornly refusing to leave. Yet the days are getting longer, there is hope in the air and there is the promise of warmer days to come. 

The earth is ripe with potential in the spring, even if the ground appears to be covered with snow at the moment. Soon it will begin to whisper and tiny hints of green will begin to appear amid the bareness of winter. Once the first shoots come out, the growth will be rapid. Each morning presenting a new display of the glory of nature and the lessons we can learn from it. 

Spring is the perfect time for personal growth and renewal as well. As nature wakes up, lets wake up ourselves up as well and reflect on what potential is lying dormant within us, waiting for the tiniest bit of encouragement to begin to unfold and grow as...

Continue Reading...

Keeping your windows clean (DW#364)

As we have been saying, a healthy and loving relationship between spouses has large, open windows of communication. 

Sometimes, however, these windows can become clouded. Even the best relationships have times when communication is not great, there is unexpressed hurt or withholding of thought and feeling. If left alone, the windows will not clean themselves. In fact, they are likely to get more clouded over time.

When we build walls or opaque windows around ourselves to ward off hurt and disappointment, it also prevents us from feeling the joy, love and intimacy on the other side. 

To live in safe disconnection is like having cloudy windows - the light of love cannot get through. 


So how do we clean the windows of communication between ourselves and our loved ones?

It is quite simple really. 

Share your internal world, your thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams. 

Being open, honest and vulnerable is like cleaning your windows with water and vinegar. 

It is okay...

Continue Reading...

The value of knowing where the walls and windows are (DW#363)

We have been talking about protecting our relationships by knowing and recognizing the difference between friendships and marriage so that we can keep our commitments strong.

Hopefully you have recognized how easy it is, especially in modern times, to slide into the danger zone of infidelity and why we need to be mindful of the boundaries in our marriage. 

The wall and windows metaphor that we have been exploring can help us
 
·  Assess the overall health of the relationship.
 
·  Determine whether an outside relationship has moved from a friendship to an affair.
 
·  If you are recovering from an affair, it can help determine a partner’s level of commitment. Or for example, does your partner say he or she is committed, but then allow a wall to remain between you? If a window is still open for the affair partner, that’s a sign that the appropriate level of commitment isn’t there for the marriage....
Continue Reading...

A reversal of boundaries leads to instability of structure (DW#362)

Shirley Glass explains that when a marriage is sliding towards infidelity, the arrangement of walls and windows gradually shifts, until the window and wall situation is completely reversed. 

Over time, a wall is built between married partners. The big picture window, once so clear, shrinks down between them. Soon, a wall is put up in its place. There may still be a window there, but it’s very small and cloudy. There’s very little communication, and eventually, at least one partner has shut out the other.

Simultaneously, a window has opened up between one of the partners and a separate love interest, the affair partner. That person then becomes the person they are primarily communicating with routinely.
 
In this situation, the affair partner is now the one on the inside. The relationship partner is on the outside, behind a wall.

Once this happens, it is very challenging to reverse the situation (because there is pleasure on one hand and guilt on the other -...
Continue Reading...
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Close

50% Complete

Two Step

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua.