In verse 7 of Chapter 17 [Sura Bani Israel/Isra], Allah lays out a foundational principle of the way He has created the universe. Whether we do good or evil, the effect of our actions impact us more than they impact anyone else. This is true on this plane of existence as well as the hereafter.
Firstly, this verse acknowledges freedom of choice for human beings. While we have been guided, internally and externally, the choice of action remains ours. We choose, every moment of our lives, whether to take the path towards our wellbeing and His pleasure, or against ourselves and away from His pleasure. (can you see how both are connected?)
So, even when we think we are doing others a favour by doing an act of kindness for them, or harming someone by criticizing them, being mean spirited, gossiping, betraying them, lying to them or any other act, this verse is...
Some of us need to reminded that even as parents and adults, we do not have to always be in the giving position. That it may be harder to ask for help than to offer it AND if we challenge ourselves to learn to ask for help, we will be doing ourselves and those in relationship to us, a big favour!
And sometimes, the best support may be to say nothing, offer a hug or simply sit with them and allow them to have their feelings.
One of the things that trips many of us when we are practicing validation is when the other person views things very differently from how we do.
For example, if our spouse gets upset at her co-worker because she is late to work every day, we may struggle to understand why this is such a big deal. It may not matter to us what time our co-workers get to work and we may even empathize with the co-worker because she is a single mother with small children.
It can be very challenging to listen to someone whose world view, thoughts and opinions are different from ours.
When this happens, we need to remind ourselves that listening and trying to understand where the other person does not...
As we develop our validation skills, we may get the emotion, the experience or the meaning behind it wrong.
This makes sense, because after all, we are trying to get a glimpse of someone else’s experience from our world view. Our lens and their lens are not the same. Our experience is not the same as their experience. We are trying to visit a foreign land and we may struggle to understand the language and the customs.
So, when you are trying to validate and get it wrong, remind yourself that it this is common and that you are learning. Your continuing effort to do this is the most important thing for your relationship.
To clarify your understanding of your loved one’s internal world, try some open-ended questions such as:
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